Phoenix Nights Classic Quotes

Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights is a BAFTA-nominated British sitcom about The Phoenix Club, a working men’s club in the northern English town of Bolton, Greater Manchester, England. This series ran for only two series but contained some the finest lines in Bristish sitcom history.

Phoenix Nights doormen Max & Paddy prepare to carryout a hit for woman who wants her husband killed for £8000.

Paddy “Have you done us a packed lunch?
Max “Have I.”
[Opens a package to reveal a old gun]
Paddy “What on earth is that?”
Max “That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser.”
Paddy “I’m not using that”
Max “Why, what’s wrong with it?”
Paddy “It’s an antique that’s what it is.”
Max “Hey. It’s not an antique. There’s nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad’s. He shot a German with this.”
Paddy “Was that in the Second World War?”
Max “No, it were in Benidorm. He had a row over a sun lounger”

Dodgy Eric turns up at the Phoenix Club with a bouncey castle with a inflatable penis attached to it.

Jerry St Clair “We’re not having that.”
Brian Potter “You’re damn right Jerry, we’re not having that go on take it back.”
Dodgy Eric “But Brian…….”
Brian Potter “It’s a family fun day man, there’s kiddies running around. They can’t go jumping up and down on a love length.”

Brian Potter call all the gang to the burnt down Phoenix Club in the middle of the night to tell everyone about his big plans to re-open the club and make bigger and better than ever.

Brian Potter “I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come.”
Les “Build what?”
Brian Potter “A new Phoenix.”
Jerry St Clair “Here we go again.”
Brian Potter “Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we’ll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro - we’ll serve food.”
Jerry St Clair “Food eh?”
Brian Potter “But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread”

Max “Garlic bread?”
Brian Potter “Garlic bread, that’s right Max. Garlic bread - it’s the future, I’ve tasted it.”

Brian Potter talking to Jerry St Clair after the family fun day at the Phoenix Club. Jerry had been dressed as a giant berry all day long and the inflatable giant penis had just exploded after kids tampered with the air pressure.

Brian Potter “What’s the matter with you, man?”
Jerry St Clair “What’s the matter with me? I’ll tell you what’s the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I’m stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t’jumble. I’ve been rolled round t’car park all day dressed as a hernia and I’ve got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.”
Brian Potter “Rubber Burns? Weren’t he a Scottish poet?”

You can get Phoenix Nights Series 1 & 2 for £14.99 from Play.com

Del Boy Quotes From Only Fools & Horses

Famous quotes by the wheeler, dealer Del Boy from the classic BBC sit-com Only Fools and Horses. Del had unique flare for the English langauge.

Taken from Diamonds Are For Heather (1982)Del makes the followingcomments on Grandad’s cooking.

Del “Tough? Tough? It’s the toughest chicken I’ve ever known. It’s asked me for a fight in the car park twice!”

Taken from the Thicker Than Water (1983)episode. Del Boy exposes his Dad Reg as faking illness to him, Rodney and Grandad.

Del “They ran his name through the computer but they didn’t have a patient called Trotter. But they did have a porter called Trotter. He left two weeks ago with 57 blankets, 133 pair of rubber gloves and the chief gynaecologist’s Lambretta!!”

Taken from the The Frog’s Legacy (1987). Del Boy asks Albert and Rodney on the Brighton coast to think of a way they can get the fortune back to shore.

Del “There’s gotta be a way! He who dares wins! There’s a million quids worth of gold out there - our gold. We can’t just say ‘bonjour’ to it.”

Taken from a Christmas Special The Jolly Boys Outing (1989). Del walks into The Nag’s Head and Cassandra’s Mum asks Del if he would like a drink.

Del “Brandy please, Pamela.”
Pamela “Armagnac?”
Del “Yeah, that’ll do fine if you’re out of Brandy”

Taken from the Christmas Special To Hull and Back (1985). Del, Rodney and Albert are lost somewhere in the North Sea on there way to Holland to do a deal for some diamonds.

Rodney “He’s something else ain’t he? And what about all the currents they got round here eh we could have drifted anywhere by now.”
Del “Yes he’s right an’all ain’t he? We’re in the middle of the North Sea ain’t we? It’s got more currents than a hot-cross bun.”

You can get Only Fools & Horses on DVD at Play.com Just a quick tip - unfortunately the BBC have deemed it fit to cut out certain scence and re-edit a number of episodes in there latest box set. If you buy the series sepaerately or buy the box set with the older packaging then you get the original episodes as seen on TV. Don’t know why they had to mess about them…idiots.

David Brent’s Words Of Wisdom

David Brent is a fictional white-collar office middle-manager and one of the principal characters from the BBC television comedy The Office, played by co-writer and director Ricky Gervais. David Brent is the general manager of the Slough branch of the Wernham-Hogg paper merchants, and the boss to most of the other characters present in the series. Much of the comedy and pathos of the series centres on Brent’s many idiosyncrasies, hypocrisies, self-delusions and shameless self-promoting (including, but not limited to, playing up to the ‘documentary’ cameras present in his workplace). Here we take quick look back at David Brent’s unique ideas and take on the workplace and his advice on how to handle certain difficult situations.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation.
  
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work. 
  
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. 
  
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.  
  
If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you’re trying to get them sacked. 
  
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. 
  
You don’t have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not. 
  
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do. 
  
Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow. 
  
If at first you don’t succeed remove all evidence you ever tried. 

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?

You can buy The Office series 1 & 2, plus the Christmas Specials  on DVD from Play.com