Phoenix Nights Classic Quotes

Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights is a BAFTA-nominated British sitcom about The Phoenix Club, a working men’s club in the northern English town of Bolton, Greater Manchester, England. This series ran for only two series but contained some the finest lines in Bristish sitcom history.

Phoenix Nights doormen Max & Paddy prepare to carryout a hit for woman who wants her husband killed for £8000.

Paddy “Have you done us a packed lunch?
Max “Have I.”
[Opens a package to reveal a old gun]
Paddy “What on earth is that?”
Max “That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser.”
Paddy “I’m not using that”
Max “Why, what’s wrong with it?”
Paddy “It’s an antique that’s what it is.”
Max “Hey. It’s not an antique. There’s nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad’s. He shot a German with this.”
Paddy “Was that in the Second World War?”
Max “No, it were in Benidorm. He had a row over a sun lounger”

Dodgy Eric turns up at the Phoenix Club with a bouncey castle with a inflatable penis attached to it.

Jerry St Clair “We’re not having that.”
Brian Potter “You’re damn right Jerry, we’re not having that go on take it back.”
Dodgy Eric “But Brian…….”
Brian Potter “It’s a family fun day man, there’s kiddies running around. They can’t go jumping up and down on a love length.”

Brian Potter call all the gang to the burnt down Phoenix Club in the middle of the night to tell everyone about his big plans to re-open the club and make bigger and better than ever.

Brian Potter “I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come.”
Les “Build what?”
Brian Potter “A new Phoenix.”
Jerry St Clair “Here we go again.”
Brian Potter “Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we’ll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro - we’ll serve food.”
Jerry St Clair “Food eh?”
Brian Potter “But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread”

Max “Garlic bread?”
Brian Potter “Garlic bread, that’s right Max. Garlic bread - it’s the future, I’ve tasted it.”

Brian Potter talking to Jerry St Clair after the family fun day at the Phoenix Club. Jerry had been dressed as a giant berry all day long and the inflatable giant penis had just exploded after kids tampered with the air pressure.

Brian Potter “What’s the matter with you, man?”
Jerry St Clair “What’s the matter with me? I’ll tell you what’s the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I’m stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t’jumble. I’ve been rolled round t’car park all day dressed as a hernia and I’ve got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.”
Brian Potter “Rubber Burns? Weren’t he a Scottish poet?”

You can get Phoenix Nights Series 1 & 2 for £14.99 from Play.com