Phoenix Nights Classic Quotes

Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights is a BAFTA-nominated British sitcom about The Phoenix Club, a working men’s club in the northern English town of Bolton, Greater Manchester, England. This series ran for only two series but contained some the finest lines in Bristish sitcom history.

Phoenix Nights doormen Max & Paddy prepare to carryout a hit for woman who wants her husband killed for £8000.

Paddy “Have you done us a packed lunch?
Max “Have I.”
[Opens a package to reveal a old gun]
Paddy “What on earth is that?”
Max “That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser.”
Paddy “I’m not using that”
Max “Why, what’s wrong with it?”
Paddy “It’s an antique that’s what it is.”
Max “Hey. It’s not an antique. There’s nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad’s. He shot a German with this.”
Paddy “Was that in the Second World War?”
Max “No, it were in Benidorm. He had a row over a sun lounger”

Dodgy Eric turns up at the Phoenix Club with a bouncey castle with a inflatable penis attached to it.

Jerry St Clair “We’re not having that.”
Brian Potter “You’re damn right Jerry, we’re not having that go on take it back.”
Dodgy Eric “But Brian…….”
Brian Potter “It’s a family fun day man, there’s kiddies running around. They can’t go jumping up and down on a love length.”

Brian Potter call all the gang to the burnt down Phoenix Club in the middle of the night to tell everyone about his big plans to re-open the club and make bigger and better than ever.

Brian Potter “I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come.”
Les “Build what?”
Brian Potter “A new Phoenix.”
Jerry St Clair “Here we go again.”
Brian Potter “Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we’ll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro - we’ll serve food.”
Jerry St Clair “Food eh?”
Brian Potter “But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread”

Max “Garlic bread?”
Brian Potter “Garlic bread, that’s right Max. Garlic bread - it’s the future, I’ve tasted it.”

Brian Potter talking to Jerry St Clair after the family fun day at the Phoenix Club. Jerry had been dressed as a giant berry all day long and the inflatable giant penis had just exploded after kids tampered with the air pressure.

Brian Potter “What’s the matter with you, man?”
Jerry St Clair “What’s the matter with me? I’ll tell you what’s the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I’m stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t’jumble. I’ve been rolled round t’car park all day dressed as a hernia and I’ve got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.”
Brian Potter “Rubber Burns? Weren’t he a Scottish poet?”

You can get Phoenix Nights Series 1 & 2 for £14.99 from Play.com

Del Boy Quotes From Only Fools & Horses

Famous quotes by the wheeler, dealer Del Boy from the classic BBC sit-com Only Fools and Horses. Del had unique flare for the English langauge.

Taken from Diamonds Are For Heather (1982)Del makes the followingcomments on Grandad’s cooking.

Del “Tough? Tough? It’s the toughest chicken I’ve ever known. It’s asked me for a fight in the car park twice!”

Taken from the Thicker Than Water (1983)episode. Del Boy exposes his Dad Reg as faking illness to him, Rodney and Grandad.

Del “They ran his name through the computer but they didn’t have a patient called Trotter. But they did have a porter called Trotter. He left two weeks ago with 57 blankets, 133 pair of rubber gloves and the chief gynaecologist’s Lambretta!!”

Taken from the The Frog’s Legacy (1987). Del Boy asks Albert and Rodney on the Brighton coast to think of a way they can get the fortune back to shore.

Del “There’s gotta be a way! He who dares wins! There’s a million quids worth of gold out there - our gold. We can’t just say ‘bonjour’ to it.”

Taken from a Christmas Special The Jolly Boys Outing (1989). Del walks into The Nag’s Head and Cassandra’s Mum asks Del if he would like a drink.

Del “Brandy please, Pamela.”
Pamela “Armagnac?”
Del “Yeah, that’ll do fine if you’re out of Brandy”

Taken from the Christmas Special To Hull and Back (1985). Del, Rodney and Albert are lost somewhere in the North Sea on there way to Holland to do a deal for some diamonds.

Rodney “He’s something else ain’t he? And what about all the currents they got round here eh we could have drifted anywhere by now.”
Del “Yes he’s right an’all ain’t he? We’re in the middle of the North Sea ain’t we? It’s got more currents than a hot-cross bun.”

You can get Only Fools & Horses on DVD at Play.com Just a quick tip - unfortunately the BBC have deemed it fit to cut out certain scence and re-edit a number of episodes in there latest box set. If you buy the series sepaerately or buy the box set with the older packaging then you get the original episodes as seen on TV. Don’t know why they had to mess about them…idiots.

Impress Your Mates With Some Random Trivia

Impress the lads down the pub with some random facts bought to you by Just For The Lads. They maybe well impressed or just think your a bit of a bore - but who gives a shit.

1. In a 1936 ping pong tournament, the players volleyed for more than two hours on the opening serve.
2. The diamond is the only gem composed of a single element.
3. Male monkeys go bald just as men do.
4. All polar bears are left handed.
5. A blue whales testicles are the size of a family car.
6. Roughly 75,000 umbreallas are lost each year on buses and subways in London.
7. The kilt originated in France.
8. Odds that you are killed by a plane falling from the sky are one in 25 million. Odds that it will happen today are 1 in 7 trillion.
9. A can of spam is opened every 4 seconds somewhere on Earth.
10. The president of the U.S. recieves on average 20,000 letters per day.
11. Someone living in New York could eat out every night of thier life and never eat at the same restaurant.

Day At The Races

Requirements To Play Day At The Races Drinking Game
You will need deck of cards for this one and some pints of beer.

How To Play Day At The Races
You first need to take out the four aces, these are the horses - you will need to line these up next to each other. Then line up ten cards going away from the horses, - this is the race track 

Each person picks a different horse (Ace). Shuffle the rest of the cards and someone then flips over the cards one by one. If the flipped over card is a club, the Ace of clubs moves forward one card length. 

Carry one until one horse wins. The 3 losing Horses then have to drink a finger of beer for each card place they were behind the winning horse…easy and quick game that will have you swaying in no time at all.

And Finally..
Please remember to drink safely!

Beer Pong

Requirements For Beer Pong
People, ping pong balls, cups and beer (you can be more daring and decide to play with cups of spirits or cocktails if you like….whatever floats your boat).

Beer Pong Setup
First you need 4 mate, well you and three other mates (two on each side of a table) and a ping pong ball (and maybe a couple of spares) then you will need 10 cups (plastic party cups work great) and a beer keg or your choice of drink at the ready.

How to play Beer Pong
You have to put the cups in a triangle shape and fill them up or leave then half full (your choice completely). One person on one side of the table serves the ball. If it lands in a cup the player on that side of the cup drinks the cup of beer. The players on the opposite side are not allowed to knock the ping pong out the way unless it bounces first. If you manage to get the ping pong in by bouncing in first you get the derve back (please note it is very difficult to bounce the pong in without it being hit away - unless the other team is blindo). The loser’s have to drink what’s left on the table. Great if you play the best of 3 or 5. If there is enough of you, then try a knockout tournement -  have fun!

Even though the games called beer pong, you don’t have to just use beer, you can certainly use your imagination with this one.

And Finally..
Please remember to drink safely!

David Brent’s Words Of Wisdom

David Brent is a fictional white-collar office middle-manager and one of the principal characters from the BBC television comedy The Office, played by co-writer and director Ricky Gervais. David Brent is the general manager of the Slough branch of the Wernham-Hogg paper merchants, and the boss to most of the other characters present in the series. Much of the comedy and pathos of the series centres on Brent’s many idiosyncrasies, hypocrisies, self-delusions and shameless self-promoting (including, but not limited to, playing up to the ‘documentary’ cameras present in his workplace). Here we take quick look back at David Brent’s unique ideas and take on the workplace and his advice on how to handle certain difficult situations.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation.
  
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work. 
  
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. 
  
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.  
  
If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you’re trying to get them sacked. 
  
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. 
  
You don’t have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not. 
  
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do. 
  
Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow. 
  
If at first you don’t succeed remove all evidence you ever tried. 

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?

You can buy The Office series 1 & 2, plus the Christmas Specials  on DVD from Play.com

Only Fools and Horses Famous Trigger Quotes

Trigger is one of Only Fools and Horses most loved characters, over the years he filled the screen with many famous gaffes and words of erm…wisdom!! He whole heartedly believes Rodney is called “Dave” and no one has bothered to set him straight. A roadsweeper by trade Trigger has one qualification - a Grade 3 Cycling Proficiency Diploma - and is rarely seen without his beloved donkey jacket. Why ‘Trigger’? According to Del it’s because he ‘looks like an ‘orse!’ Here we have listed some of Trigger’s all time famous quotes from this classic British Sitcom. Oh yeah, just for the record everyone knew him as Trigger in the series - but his real name was actually Colin Ball.

Taken from the Only Fools and Horses Christmas Special ”If They Could See Us Now” (2001) Trigger, Denzil and Co. attend Del and Rodney’s bankruptcy court case.

Trigger “When I go in there, I’ll just say I hear voices.”
Denzil “Trigger, you’re not a character witness.”
Trigger “I know. But I still hear voices!” 
 

Taken from the Only Fools and Horses Christmas Special “If They Could See Us Now” (2001). Trigger is at the Trotter flat, Rodney is listening to classical music and Del walks in.

Trigger Ain’t there any words to this, Dave?
Rodney Words? No… no words. Sorta instrumental.
Del What’s this?!
Trigger It’s Mozart’s Concerto in D Major. It’s the karaoke version.

Taken from Three Men, A Woman And A Baby (1991) Mike and Trigger are in The Nag’s Head taking bets on the name of Del and Raquel’s unborn baby.

Mike So?
Trigger What?
Mike What name have they decided on?
Trigger If it’s a girl they’re calling her Sigourney after an actress, and if it’s a boy they’re naming him Rodney after Dave.

Taken from The Class of ‘62 (1991) Del, Rodney, Denzil, Boycie and Mike are all upstairs in The Nag’s Head wondering who organised the school reunion when Trigger walks in.

Del, Boycie and Denzil Trigger!
Trigger Alright.
Del Wait a minute. Maybe Trigger organised this!
Boycie Oh turn it up, Del Boy. Trigger couldn’t organise a prayer in a mosque.
Trigger I got lost on me way here.
Denzil How could you get lost? You’ve been coming to this pub since you were 16!
Trigger No I found the pub alright. I meant I couldn’t find this room. (To Mike) I’ve been in your dance hall for the last hour.
Mike But all the lights are out!
Trigger I know.
Boycie You’ve been standing in the dark for an hour?
Trigger Yeah I thought we were all gonna jump out and surprise someone.
Mike But there was no one else in there.
Trigger But I didn’t know that, did I? The lights were out. How you going, Dave?

Jimmy Carr Jokes and Quotes

Jimmy Carr may look like a funny looking alien, but he is actually a funny so if he is a alien i don’t hold that against as he make me piss myself. Here are some of jimmy Carr’s best jokes & quotes.

I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a “proper” present. “Happy birthday, mum!”

I say no to gay marriage. It’ll end up leading to gay divorce, and that’ll be bitchy.

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to “fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s Problem.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I’m thinking of starting a company called “They’ll squeal, but not to the cops”.

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.

I’d like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I’m not sure about you people, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.

My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” - ’til the accident.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea… you never get that tea.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty.”

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say ‘chat’, it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn’t realise that when men say they’re ’spoken for’ that’s actually what they mean. She said “Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that’s a dead end.” So I replied, “That’s not a crossroads, that’s a T-Junction”.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No, no. I think you’re fattest.”

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.